Is this really it?

It’s often suggested to look back on one’s life to figure out what your purpose may be. What did you do as a kid when there was no incentive other than your own drive and predilection?

And that’s always alluded me. I only really ever dabbled. I never really nerded out on any one thing. I’ve never felt pulled or called or impassioned about anything I’ve done really.

But recently I realized: I’ve always wondered. I’ve always questioned. I’ve always taken life in through a slanted eye—is this really it?

And I’ve asked that question at every level. This is what history has led to? This is what technology and invention has led to? This is the best government we’ve come up with? This is the best way of organizing we’ve come up with? The economy and money and capitalism is the best we’ve come up with? Communism is the only alternative we’ve come up with? This is how we design homes? Single occupant vehicles is the best we’ve come up with? Religion is the best we’ve come up with? The “big bang” is the best science can come up with?

Evolution from apes and all that shit before… resulted in this?!

I dunno. It just seems… dubious to me. Even comical at times. Most definitely absurd. Sometimes deeply disappointing and depressing.

I’m not educated. I’m not particularly smart—I’m no scientist or doctor or engineer. So… why isn’t everyone else questioning, well, everything??

I suppose I was just born dubious. Not suspicious of any one individual nor any sort of cabal, but just all of it. Like the whole concept. Like the idea of being human. It just seems… so ridiculous?

And with all of our wars fought and lands conquered and natural disasters overcome and technological advancements… I’m just supposed to go to school, learn some basic skills that are applicable within our modern capitalistic society, follow the rules, behave well enough, pay for more school, accrue debt, get a job I sorta maybe like and spend the vast majority of my time doing that for the vast majority of my life. Hopefully get married, get some more debt, have kids and teach them this merry-go-round. Oh and when I’m old and my body doesn’t work as well anymore, I can stop working and start going on cruises and go eat tapas and if I’m really adventurous maybe see some polar bears or a giraffe. Ha ha ha… Who wrote this script?!

Are you kidding me! We are fucking marvels of nature (or creation 🤷‍♀️), and this is what we’re doing?! We, as humans, have a level of self-reflection and consciousness that is (as far as we know) completely unmatched and unparalleled—AND THIS IS WHAT WERE DOING!

The perfection of our galaxy is ludicrous. That Jupiter would be so big its gravitational pull would protect earth from asteroids FOR MILLENNIA. That Billions of years ago a Mars sized planet hit earth at just the right speed and just the right angle to break off a piece that became our moon—WHAT? And our moon is the perfect weight to lock earth on its axis, to influence the tides to be livable rather than destructive, to be perceived as the perfect size to block out the sun and create eclipses…. And the absurd details go on and on and on, AND ON. And, of course, the conditions appear to be just right only in our own galaxy, despite the literally astronomical number of others.

Okay. And that’s all before we even get to life on earth. All of those galactic miracles combining into the exact conditions that somehow allowed auto-catalytic reactions to go on for millennia in just the right conditions to somehow spark animate life from inanimate chemicals—WHAT. THE. FUCK. Just the right conditions that we don’t know how to recreate… and from there just more and more absurdity and complexity until we reach us… Humans.

I just can’t see this as anything other than ridiculous. Eons of perfect conditions to support the evolution of dumb, stupid particles and chemicals into something alive that continued to progress in ever more complexity so that we could.. what? Invent the George Foreman Grill? Drop radioactive bombs on ourselves? Come together in collaboration and harmony so we could write, film and produce SHARKNADO??

Anyway, I skirted my way around the standard script for awhile. I taught myself how to design and program websites and apps—no debt baby!

I worked at small companies and startups that afforded more autonomy and flexibility, but at the cost of predictably and eventually enough balance. After 17 years I got too deep and caught in this career I made. I even bought a fucking house! And so, of course, I burnt out.

Coming out of it all, my original question has surfaced again—wait… this is IT?!

Fuck me. I just can’t help look at life with these squinty, dubious eyes of mine. I’ve since sold my house, quit my career and have no plans or prospects of the future.

But that’s okay. Because this whole life, humanity, society thing seems to be getting even more absurd these days.

So, I guess I’m just going to keep on wondering. Maybe I’ll actually try to answer the question finally: Is this it? Is this all humanity is? Is this all reality is? What is consciousness? I mean really—can we not answer that? That kinda seems like a big one, no? Like, what even am I other than consciousness? But we don’t know what that is? We don’t know where it comes from? Well, that’s fucking weird.

Oh well, better just go sit in an office at a desk and….*checks notes* … “produce value.” Yeah okay.

And whatever, I get it, other people are born and they are called to do nice things like give to others, or solve problems, or spread joy and laughter or whatever else. But I’m not. I have no calling other than the question “what in good hell is going on here?!”