What I Learned From My Sabbatical

What I learned from my sabbatical

I don’t like work. I really don’t. My greatest fear is having to work some dead-end, menial job just to survive. Or, worse, actually being physically forced to work.

Why I have that deep fear is a story for another time, the point is I’m uncomfortable with work.

It’s emotionally burdensome. And intellectually feels like something forced on me by society.

Yet, I found a way. I taught myself programming, mostly worked remotely my whole career, I even got some satisfaction out of creating things.

Then I got to a point where it wasn’t working anymore. I had started reading some shit that broke my view of the world. Well, the pandemic kicked it off and then it was all kinds of disruption following that.

I just knew I couldn’t fix it. Work that is. It was just time to continue down the path of disrupting my view of the world.

And so I learned what I could. Whatever was interesting to me. Spirituality, occult mysticism, Buddhism, Hinduism, the Kabbalah, esoteric tools like Tarot, Astrology, Human Design, Numerology and some new-agey shit too.

And they’re all fine. If you read between the lines they’re all getting at the same thing. Nice, whatever.

None of them are truth.

None of them are salvation.

There’s no simple answer. There’s no clear picture. It’s just fucking work.

So we’re back here. With my fear of work. Ugh.

But it’s the only way. I can either coast off my savings until I have to work to survive again and likely get more trapped and face my demons without any stability.

Or, I can do the damn work. Now. Consciously and with as much grace as I can muster.

But that’s it. You have to go inwards.

You can use whatever language you like, follow any system or framework that jives with you, but no matter what—you have to go inwards.

That’s what’s at the core of all the philosophies and astrology and mysticism and, well, all of it by my account: Look at your own damn self!

Bring awareness to EVERYTHING you do and how you act and why your react and just go, layer by layer, to the depths of your inner most self…

…and when you think you’ve reached the end…

…just keep going…

And it feels like damn work! It’s unpleasant, uncomfortable and generally requires more effort than trivial pleasures and niceties.

The crazy thing is, work—like societal work, like getting paid—is less work than this BS. Work can actually be a great way to hide from going inwards!

It’s the first thing I did when I sensed this discomfort with who I was being on the outside—I just worked more and harder!

So here I am. Doing whatever I can to distract myself from doing the work of going inwards.

Yet, there’s no going back. I can’t just play the game. I mean do any of you actually feel comfortable just playing the game? Doesn’t it all just feel so broken?

Wildfires, fascism, wars, waste, deforestation, and just a general feeling of chaos and aggression all around.

But there’s no fixing it. Not really. Not unless more people start going inwards. Human psychology is funny that way—we unconsciously recreate our inner state in the outer world.

“Until we have met the monsters in ourselves, we keep trying to slay them in the outer world. And we find that we cannot. For all darkness in the world stems from the darkness in the heart. And it there that we must do our work.”—Marianne Williamson

No matter how deep it is, all of our inner turmoil, discomfort and discordance comes out through our perspective and behavior.

And it’s not even about morality or right and wrong. It’s just energy. Really. You know you can feel the difference when your partner is happy vs mad. Or if a coworker is depressed or being negative.

Which isn’t to say we need to be happy all the time. But, there’s, what, eight billion of us? How many of us—myself included!—are putting out icky, discordant energy?

And then, just unconsciously acting in harmful or self-defeating ways or doing the “right” thing according to someone else or societal expectation all the while harboring resentment and bitterness?

Just the other day, as a wildfire burns on the edge of town, I passed by firefighters inspecting another fire that started on the side of the road, right downtown! Thankfully someone ran and doused it with water before it could take hold.

But, goodness, how do you think that fire almost started? Probably a cigarette butt tossed from a car, right? What kind of jackass does that while a wildfire burns on the edge of town?!

It’s easy to assume that that person is stupid. But I think that’s bullocks. People aren’t stupid. Not really. They’re just unaware. Unconscious. On autopilot. Their mind wandering. Not present.

Being present is work.

It takes intention and effort. It’s so easy to live in our heads. To create stories about everything. To rehash the past. To hold grudges. To jump between a multiplicity of competing identities—most which are discordant with our actual true nature.

All of which takes your awareness out from the present.

All of our stories, our grudges and resentments and our invented identities need to be dealt with.

Our habits, beliefs and trauma too.

It’s the only way. It’s the only way to fix this broken game we’re all playing.

But it’s fucking work! So, I gotta deal with that. I gotta do the work to figure out why I’m so resistant and fearful of work.

Well ain’t that some snake eating its own tail bullshit. 🐍

“A lot of people turn to something they hope will liberate them without having to face themselves. That is impossible. We can’t do that. We have to be honest with ourselves. We have to see our gut, our excrement, our most undesirable parts.”—Chögyam Trungpa

Yet, there is a glimmer of hope. As Rumi says so simply, “The desire to know your own soul will end all other desires.”

We’ll see…

❤️